To Have A Friend Takes Time

Still — in a way — nobody sees a flower — really — it is so small — we haven’t time — and to see takes time, like to have a friend takes time.  Georgia O’Keefe from The Poetry of Things

I know people who are still friends with people they met in grade school. This is astonishing to me. And also a little weird. 

How crazy and unusual is it to have known someone from their glue-eating days and now see them as a distinguished member of their profession?  

And what exactly do you mean by “I’m still friends with my third-grade seatmate?”

Do you mean you exchange annual Christmas cards? Or have you really kept up with each other’s deeper lives? This is what I want to know about those people. 

Because to me, Christmas card friends aren’t really friends. Neither are those high school and college friends you get tipsy with at the reunion.

I still know a few people I went to college with, but I wouldn’t call them friends. That’s because I wouldn’t call them. 

For any reason. 

I wouldn’t call them to share good news or bad. Or to ask for advice or even a recommendation. They’re just people I know. 

I’m sure they feel the same way about me. 

It takes time to have a friend. Yesterday, my hair stylist said she met her best friend just four years ago. They became fast and best friends instantly.

I have never made a fast friend. 

I may have had immediate and fast interest in certain people, though. 

I was interested in knowing G the moment I met her. I don’t want to say that she had good energy because it’s so woo, but that’s what she had. Plus, a hundred-watt smile.

But having good energy isn’t enough. 

For me, you must have the right politics, not smoke, like animals, and have good hygiene.

G is, of course, my best friend. One hundred percent. She is who I love, trust, and cherish. I would trust her with my life and do. 

I am completely unmasked with her. No artifice. She sees me at my best and at my worst. I can talk to her about everything, and I do, and she listens. 

I can talk to her about nothing. And I do. And she listens. She’s wise, and she’s fun. She is reliable and goofy. 

The other day, I was talking to my friend, Zee. 

 I said, 

“Yes, G and I are very different, but I like how she is different from me. 

I don’t want her to be like me. Maybe sometimes I do, but it passes quickly, and ultimately, I don’t want her to change.

For example, she can sometimes be very bossy and overly confident that hers is the right way. And while I recognize this about her, it doesn’t bother me. That’s because if she discovers she has been wrong, she’ll back down and not stubbornly stand her ground. 

**Unless we’re talking about Joe Rogan, where she will stubbornly hold her wrong opinion. 

She hates Joe Rogan.**

I am willing to accept that nobody is perfect, including me, so if she’s willing to accept my imperfections, I will accept hers. 

I am sure there are people whose imperfections I would not be able to accept. But those people are not my friends.  Therefore, they don’t impact my life. 

I think it was Naval Ravikant who said, “If you would not work with a person for a year, do not work with them for a day.”

I feel that way with people. I don’t have time now. I think the time for making new friends of the deep connection variety might be over for me.  

I know Georgia O’Keefe said that having a friend takes time, but I don’t have a lot left, so here’s what I think I do now whenever I meet a potential new friend. 

I watch that person’s smile and the way they treat other people. I wait for them to risk a little vulnerability, or to be a bit self-effacing. I watch for signs of social and emotional intelligence. Are they good listeners? Are they aware of the social context? Do they say thoughtful things about their lives, things that indicate self-knowledge?

For me to be friends with someone, I must admire something about them. 

I must want to be like them in some way. 

They must exhibit character traits I find fascinating —character traits  I don’t have myself, but want to have.

 . 

Here is a list of people I consider friends and what I want from them

Emily: This friendship has been evolving. It began as a strictly mother-daughter relationship and has now morphed into a deeply nuanced mother/daughter/friend/trusted confidant/cheerleader/ mentor thing of the very highest quality. I admire Emily’s moxie, her bravery, and her ability to take action on her own behalf and on behalf of others. I love her energy (there’s that word again), but it’s true. She emits high vibrational energy, and has an aura about her. I want that. She also has amazing emotional and social intelligence skills.

Nikki: She’s strong and smart and quiet. There is this core of steel inside her, this belief in herself that I sense even when she’s vulnerable or feeling down.  She’s also wildly creative and really good at being a friend, which takes constancy. She has a lot of friends because of this quality. She is also infinitely reliable. Everyone in my friend group must have that quality. 

Zee: I want Zee’s generosity of spirit. Even if she doesn’t feel or want to be generous, she can immediately recognize that lack in herself and make smart decisions about how to act in the face of it. She will always default to humble generosity, though.

She also has deep self-knowledge, which is saying a lot because she is a very complicated person with many sides and facets. She also doesn’t seem to have any blind spots. She is aware of where she shines and where she struggles. She also reads other people extremely accurately and with high perspicacity. 

**She would also like this use of perspicacity. 

Fred: I love how Fred is loyal and reliable and wants to help and protect his friends. He is somewhat childlike in his approach to people, and this engenders in me a desire to help and protect him, too. 

I admire how Fred can do so many things in the world of things. Things like pipes and electricity and electronics and aeronautics and carpentry and cars.  He has this insatiable curiosity about all manufactured things, but also the same insatiable curiosity about how people work. He tries to figure out what motivates people to do what they do. He is always seeking to understand, not judge.

Jim: I want Jim’s open heart. Jim was a little hard for me to read at first, but it soon became clear that inside of him lives the soul of a hippie. He has an unwavering dedication to peace, love, and rock and roll. He will never fail to be there for his friends or befriend the underdog, or rescue the socially awkward, and even give the benefit of the doubt to total fuck-ups who totally don’t deserve it. He embodies the qualities of justice, forgiveness, and love. 

When he sees me, I believe he sees the me I am aspiring to be, not my shortcomings. 

Outer Space Friends

Outer Space friends are the ones I take for granted. I don’t always pay attention to them, but I know they’re there, just like I know the sun is there even when it’s behind the clouds. I hope they feel the same about me.

Tim: My friendship with Tim defies space and time. We rotate in different orbits, but when our orbits overlap, there is an instant sync-up. What I want to learn from Tim is his invincible joy for life and his happy devotion to whatever he’s doing. I also think he is the most charismatic of my friends. He’s a great conversationalist and tells the best stories. He’s the life of any party because he totally loves people and life, and his enthusiasm is contagious. Tim is joy embodied.

Vince: Vince is this ever-moving, ever-changing human kaleidoscope of yin and yang, light and dark, gentleness and power, grace and grit, serious and goofy. He’s a fearless Dragon-slayer, defender, teacher, and mentor to those seeking agency and sovereignty in their lives.

He is confident of his strength and power and can deploy it as needed, but tries not to. He is a humble warrior.

He is also capable of true human connection. He’s easy to like.

******

When I sat down to write this post, I had no intention of writing about friends. That’s because the friendship dance is hard for me. It takes time to be a friend, yes, but also energy and constancy. 

I always think: How could anyone overlook my inconstancy, my never-calling, my delayed responses to emails, and all my other friend sins?

But they do, and I feel humbled and grateful. 

But now I want to know: Who are your friends? Do you have a big circle or a small one? Friends are harder to make the older I get. Do you feel this way, too?  Have you ever made a “fast friend?” How do you stay friends with your friends? What’s the glue that holds you together? Shared experiences? Or their character traits? Have you ever lost a friend over a disagreement? Have you ever reconciled with one after a long time apart? What was that like? Did the friendship deepen or not?

Tell me about your friends. I really want to know.