Writing Is Like Cleaning The Toilet

I’m having resistance posting on this blog.

So let me remind myself why I set this as a year-end goal in the first place. What was my why for this one? Frankly, I don’t remember. But my 3 main reasons for starting any project are:

1. To see if I can endure or persist over time.

2. To gain some new knowledge or skill.

3. To reduce an irritant.

Which box does blogging regularly check?

Probably persistence, but that’s not the real why.

I think it has more to do with my fear of being judged unkindly.

I need to find a way of defanging this self-limiting belief. I need to tell myself another story, one that will have me approaching the writing of the blog with interest and enthusiasm. Now I approach it like cleaning the toilet. It has to be done, but I don’t want to do it.

I think I am delusional. What I mean by that is I think I can achieve things without doing work.

I am work averse. I believe in magic. Magically, this will happen and I won’t have to suffer. Work makes me question the worth of everything.

“You are defined by what you are willing to struggle for.”

This is a tenet of stoicism. I believe it. It explains a lot of my lack of self-definition. Who am I? What am I willing to struggle for?

I honestly don’t know.

As a young woman, my motivating struggle was freedom and autonomy. I needed to get free of my suffocating family. But once that happened, I still wasn’t free. I was free of them, as people, but I still bore the wounds of bad or non-existent parenting.

Low self-esteem, being the major wound.

Needing to be seen. Another one.

Needing approval. That, too.

So the blogging meets my need to be seen. And sometimes I get positive feedback and that meets my need for approval. But it’s the crippling low self-esteem that creates the avoidance and the resistance when it comes to posting something. The writing has to have a point. And sometimes, or most of the time, what I write seems pointless. Or no. Not pointless, just irrelevant and boring. It’s not helpful. Except to me.

So I figured a positive motivational ploy would be to tell myself there is value in showing people what it looks like to set goals and struggle to achieve them. That a blog devoted to that would have a point. It might even be helpful.

There might be a few people who would enjoy watching the on-going saga of a how a projects develops, thrives or dies. And that’s what I would show here. Show your work, as Austin Kleon advises.

I wish I could say that this articulated blog mission has cured my resistance, but it hasn’t. So far. Maybe I just need a few more thousand repetitions of the mantra: Show your work, show your work.

Self-limiting beliefs are hard to exorcise.

This is what I am currently working on.

Full Moon In Capricorn tomorrow

I don’t usually pay too much attention to lunar cycles, but this caught my eye because, 1) I am a Capricorn, and 2) tomorrow is July 1st and I am devoting the entire month to finishing my book.

Initially, I scheduled vacations and weekends off from writing, but I realized that I don’t have the time to take off. It’s going to be a push to get it all written in a month. I want all the writing  done by July 31st, which, crazily enough, will feature yet another full moon. The second full moon in  a month is called a Blue Moon. How auspicious is that, right?

Check out the following elephant journal article about what this full moon means:

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/06/full-moon-in-capricorn-get-ready-for-fireworks/

Today I was working on the structure of the book and I have always known certain things.

First: It is going to be a short book. Really short.  It is tentatively called Living a Project Driven Life and I am modeling it on Austin Kleon’s Steal Like an Artist. There won’t be the graphical features of Kleon’s book because I’m not graphical like that, but it will be a small book, with the content chunked out in sections rather than chapters.

If you are a writer, you will sympathize with how difficult it is to write  “short,” meaning, with economy and precision.

“I have made this longer than usual because I have not had  time to make it shorter.” ~Blais Pascal

That’s mainly why I resist my work so much.

I have also made the decision to to write my book here , in this blog, in a series of posts over the next 31 days.  I have already written some posts that I have scattered here and there throughout this blog that are sections of this book,  but starting tomorrow, I am going to see if I can chunk out 300 word sections and post them here. Since I already have the daily posting momentum going, it will be easy just to post what I have worked on all morning and not have to think of alternate content every day.

What this means for you as readers of this blog, is that you can avail yourself of my system if you want, and see if it meets any of your needs, or adds value to your life.

Either way your feedback will be invaluable.

Doing it this way will be so good for me because it will give me someone to talk to, an audience who I already know and trust. I feel comfortable talking to you. You are like friends. Talking to you will help me with my tone.

So tomorrow it begins. I hope the Full Moon in Capricorn brings you a month of prosperity and fireworks, too.

Namaste.