Fine Is A Four-Letter Word

How are you doing?

Fine?

Fine is a lie. Fine means I don’t want to tell you how I’m doing, so let’s move it along, okay? How I am doing is none of your business.

OK is a more truthful response. OK leaves the door open. OK means: There are some minor struggles, but I am managing them. 

OK is a little more honest.

Good could be the truth or a dodge. Good probably means: I’m going through some stuff, but I’m trying to positive affirmation myself through it.

The trouble with “How are you doing?” as a question is that your answer will change depending on who’s asking and the context. 

If we go way back, my answer will be different than if you were just polite before taking my coffee order.

I personally hate being asked, How are you doing? because it forces me to make an on-the-fly assessment of my relationship with you and how much you really want to know at the moment.

If I don’t have the bandwidth, I default to Good.

It could be the truth, or it could be a dodge, but unless you want to buy me a drink, you’ll just have to take good for an answer.

But here’s something interesting. What if I ask myself this question? What if every morning I started my Morning Pages with How are you doing, Kath? and just let the pen fly? 

Now, that might be revelatory.

I could take a mindless pleasantry and make it into a spiritual practice. A sort of koan.

But what is the meaning of this doing we are inquiring about? What do we want to know when we ask ourselves this?

Here’s what I think it means.

Are you happy with how your life is proceeding? 

Are the people in your life meeting your needs for love and connection? 

Are your projects going well? Are they feeding your need for self-expression? 

This is what I think How are you doing? means.

I also think it might be helpful to have a scale, or some rubric, to assess this doing that we/I seem so obsessed with. 

So here’s what I devised. 

On a scale of 1 to 10, how are you doing? 

10. Feeling on top of the world. Everything is going my way. Everyone I know and love is doing great. My projects are succeeding.

 9. Everyone I love is happy and healthy, and my projects are progressing nicely.

8. Everyone I love is doing a good job of managing their personal stress, but my projects are having some minor hiccups at the moment.

7. Some people I love are having a rough time, and I wish I could help them more. But I can’t.  My projects feel stuck at the moment.

6. Some people I love are having a rough time, and even casual acquaintances are struggling. My projects feel like work.

5. Everyone I know and love is currently hitting rough patches in their lives. My projects feel impossible.

4. Some people I know and love are dealing with some very heavy things right now, and I feel helpless when I see them or hear from them. My projects feel on the verge of falling apart.

3. It seems like everyone I encounter is angry, mad, or sad at the moment. The stress of world events is leaking into my personal life and my dreams, creating anxiety. My projects are on life support.

2. My health or the health of someone I love is not good. I have no energy. I feel despair. My projects seem hopeless.

1. I need professional help for my physical and mental health. I am not in a good place. All my projects have died.

I am a solid 6 at the moment. If you ask, I am going to tell you I’m good if we are casual friends. If we are closer, I will give more details.. And if we go way back, you probably already know how I’m doing, or we have a catch-up date planned for the near future.

But regardless, I will never say Fine. Because fine is a lie and a diss. Someone once told me fine is an acronym for Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional. 

Maybe. 

What do you think?

Where are you on the scale at the moment? 

Do you think How are you doing? is a good journaling prompt?

Do you have a strategy for dealing with these kinds of everyday, seemingly benign social pleasantries? 

Am I the only one who thinks about these questions?

I’d love it if you’d tell me in the comments or shoot me an email. 

Thanks for reading, and subscribing if you do!

Love, 

Kath

Here’s a little cheat sheet for the project assessment. Enjoy.

10. Succeeding!

9. Progressing nicely.

8. Minor hiccups.

7. Stuck

6. Feels like work

5. Impossible.

4. Falling apart.

3. On life support.

2. Hopeless.

1. Dead.