Asking For Help

No, no, I’m not asking you for help. I’m fine. I’ve got it. Or I’ll figure it out. 

So no, I don’t need your help with this. But thank you. Really. So kind of you to ask, though.

I don’t want to inconvenience you or make you feel bad if I ask too much or you just can’t. It will make you feel bad, and that’s the last thing I want.

I’ll call an Uber if I need a ride, even if you offer, especially if where I need to go is really out of your way. 

If it’s on your way, that’s fine. Are you going right by my house anyway? Then, yes, sure. I appreciate it. Here’s a twenty for gas. 

But if it’s going to involve you in rush hour traffic, or getting up early, or leaving early, or having to sit and wait for me while I get a colonoscopy, I do not want to make that ask.

Even if I really need a driver, I will do anything to avoid having to ask you for help.

But if YOU need a ride, please don’t hesitate to ask! I would happily take you to the airport or drive you home after your eyes are dilated at your eye appointment.

We’re friends! That’s what friends do!

But I won’t ask you. I cringe at having to ask for help. 

Why? What is my problem? 

Part of it is I worry I’ll be turned down. I am especially afraid of this if I really like you because it might hurt my feelings if you cannot do what I ask.

The other part, which I think is at the heart of the matter, is that I don’t want to burden you. I worry my favor might strain our relationship or cause you to resent me. Even though psychological studies have shown that asking for a favor can lead the person who does the favor to develop positive feelings toward the requester. 

And what if I can never repay you? Asking for a favor can create a sense of indebtedness. Ugh.

I also like to think of myself as independent and self-reliant, so asking for a favor feels like a blow to my pride. I don’t want to feel incompetent or needy.

But I always misjudge my friends’ willingness to help, and every time I’ve asked for help, and they’ve given it, our relationship has grown stronger. 

There is even something called the Benjamin Franklin Effect, where if you ask someone who dislikes you for a favor, doing you the favor causes them to like you. 

It works like this: when someone does a favor for a person they dislike, they experience a mental conflict if their attitude towards that person is not positive. 

To resolve this conflict, they have to adjust their attitude to be more positive because it’s the only way to resolve the cognitive dissonance of doing a favor for someone they dislike.

So if you ask someone you don’t like for a ride to the airport, you could make a friend out of an enemy!

This favor-asking business is so weird. 

So tell me. What do you feel about asking for favors and doing favors? Has favor-asking ever ruined a friendship for you? Has doing favors for others ever felt burdensome enough to cause you to end the friendship? 

Recently, I offered a friend a ride home from yoga after he had cycled there. His expected ride wasn’t there after class, so he said he would call me if his ride didn’t show. His ride didn’t show, and he wound up cycling back home on a stinking hot day rather than asking me for a ride. 

I felt really sad about it. I think of him as a dear friend and wanted to do him what Jewish people call a mitzvah, a good deed, an act of kindness, or, as the kids say, “a solid.” I know he didn’t want to burden or inconvenience me, but it wound up hurting my feelings instead.

I hope my friends never hesitate to ask me for favors. From now on, I will swallow my fear of appearing incompetent and needy and ask for help when I need it, too, to deepen my relationships with my friends.