Week 1 Gratitudes

Time for some appreciation and gratitude.

This is the end of  Week 1 of my new intention to write every day, Monday through Friday, on The Project.

First, I appreciate G. For everything, but especially for understanding why I am squirreled up in my room so much, and for making the elixir (we are doing a liver and gall bladder cleanse that involves juicing limes and mixing that lime juice with olive oil and chugging it.) And for making dinner, and for asking, with love, how it’s going each evening, and listening to my blather.

Next, Jennifer, my friend and Naturopath who understands that my eczemic ears are one thing, but that it’s actually my inability to finish stuff that’s the real itch.

And to Dani Shapiro for writing Still Writing which I am finding incredibly supportive and inspiring at the moment. I am so grateful to writers who write about their process: Anne Lamott, Natalie Goldberg, Virginia Woolf, to name a few. Thank god for them. For without them I wouldn’t be able to brazen this out. I’d feel too weird, too lonely, too guilty. They write stories and novels, yes, but they also take time to write about what it’s like to wake up in the morning and embark upon the endless sea, and have to build your boat, too.

Those are the people who supported me through Week 1. A deep bow of gratitude to all of them.

Tomorrow is Saturday. I have given myself the weekends off. Time to focus on other things.

Talk In Ink

Today I planted marigolds. In pots. I then arranged them around the patio, here and there. Sprinkle, sprinkle. Little dots and pots of yellow. Very nice.

I thought: “When these marigolds are all bushy and beautiful, my book will be done.” This thought made me happy. Like when I was pregnant I would think: When the lilacs bloom, I will have a baby.

I talk to myself all day long. It’s a problem. It creates a lot of static in my brain. I don’t like it. It’s just buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz blather blather blah blah blah…endlessly. Nothing productive ever comes of this. Ever. It’s just unproductive noise. I never get “ideas” by just ruminating.

I resisted writing this morning. So I sat and meditated for awhile. That always helps. I focused on my tinnitus.

I brought my tinnitus up with Jennifer today during our FaceTime meeting and she advised when I hear the tinnitus I should ask: “What do I need to know now?”

(Oh boy. The answer to that could be interesting.)

Then I picked up the trusty purple fountain pen and started talking to myself about my writing problems on the page. Instead of worrying about it in that vague angst-y, buzzy, blathery way that makes me crazy, I transcribed every nuance of the problem in an hour-long word-vomit that covered 10 pages. I asked myself all the thorny questions and tried to answer them.  At the end? Clarity. Space. A Plan.

I am putting this into my toolbox of “Useful Strategies.” Instead of “thinking,” just write. Transcribe the buzz and blither instead of just talking to yourself in your head, Kath. Talk to yourself on the page. Talk in ink.



I Need More Fire

I feel so much better after talking to Jennifer this afternoon! My eye is no better, and maybe it’s even a little worse, but now I have someone helping me get to the bottom of this, and that is a big relief.

She said I need more fire. She told me to indulge in fats, to put coconut oil in my hot water, to find some dried calendula flowers and some herb called “eyebright” and make a tea and then soak a washcloth in that tea and put it over my eyes.

She told me to eat raw garlic, and to order a tincture called Power Lift that will help with fatigue and support my adrenals. She told me to order Supergreens and zeolite.

All these things sound like good things and I am anxious to start this protocol and see what happens.

Today is my 6th day without coffee, alcohol or sugar.

I am also one day away from the April yoga challenge. I’m going to need a lot of energy for that.

I think I am on my way.

Help is on the way

Day 3 of this no coffee, no sugar, no alcohol torture. It’s not the alcohol or the sugar I miss, it’s the coffee.  I do feel a little better today, and that’s because help is on the way. Last night I got this text from my friend Jennifer Ness Schmid:

“Hi, You should not have to got through caffeine withdrawal without adrenal support! Your body doesn’t have the inner juice yet to heal your eye, but you’re on the right track. I have a few ideas..will you do a free phone session with me? Xoxox”

I love her. She must have read my post from yesterday and thought “Uh-oh, Kath’s in trouble” and immediately sent this offer. Yeah, she will help me with “adrenal support” but the support that really warmed my heart last night was her caring concern.

Ever since I broke off with my naturopath I have felt a little out at sea. Fortunately, I am in really good health other than this nuisance eczema,  When these nuisance things do come up though, I get both obsessed and frustrated with my inability to figure them out.  My old naturopath couldn’t figure it out either, and we worked on it for 2 years.

But Jennifer is wicked good at what she does, and in addition I really love her as a person, so I am looking forward to collaborating with her in getting to the bottom of this.  I totally trust her and I can really talk to her.

She used to live here, but moved to California a number of years ago and has recently set up her own business, Oasis Wellness. We met when she started coming to my yoga classes as a new mother. She was funny, smart, beautiful and she ground her own wheat to make bread! What??

She left class one day saying that she had to go home and soak her lentils. I couldn’t imagine how a young mother with a baby and 2 other small children was finding time to grind wheat and soak lentils. But she did, and as as I got to know her better, I found that she lived the lifestyle she promoted, and is in total integrity. I love and admire that about her.

After I got that text last night I thought: How lucky am I to know such really pro people who have mad-crazy skills and are willing to support me in my hour of need?

I hope she agrees to work with me and become my new naturopath. We are going to talk on Monday.

I feel so much better already.

Thanks, Jennifer!