I hate that things take time.
Not things. Progress.
I hate that progress takes time.
Especially the visible, tangible signs of progress. That’s what I really hate.
I feel so impatient. I want a sign: something, anything, that will encourage me to keep going.
I am attached to outcomes. I am a very bad yogi and a very bad Buddhist.
In the Bhagavad Gita, Krishna tells Arjuna that he must not fight to win the battle. No.
Arjuna must fight because it’s his dharma. He must fight because it’s his nature as a warrior to fight.
So here’s what I’m telling myself these days:
Put your head down, Kath, and grind.
So what if you’re not any stronger.
So what if you’re not any lighter.
So what if you’re measurements are still the same.
So what if you’re a little sore. And tired. And grouchy. And your words aren’t getting written everyday and you don’t have time to cook, or even shop regularly.
It’s only been 2 weeks of this Ultimate Yogi thing. What did you expect?
I expected more than nothing. I expected a little something. Some small little something.
Because it’s been TWO WHOLE WEEKS.
Every dieter I’ve ever known has had to fight this battle. Every person who has trained for a marathon has had to fight this battle. Every person who has committed to writing a dissertation, or tried to quit smoking, or any other addiction, knows what I’m talking about here.
It’s a daily slog. A daily recommitment without any seeming progress.
It’s the daily sky-gaze where you beg for a sign, for something, anything that will reassure you that, yes, it will all be worth it in the end.
(I feel like I’m getting melodramatic here, but everybody knows this at some level.)
So I really do have to find a way to just unattach from outcomes. To just do the thing for its own sake.
Or not trust. Just keep going.