The Yoga of Disappointment

I was irritated, frustrated, and angry about what had happened on the phone with Guthrie. 

My scheduled eye surgery to fix my floaters had not been scheduled. There was a communication breakdown. They never got my message verifying that the 29^th was a good date. 

I didn’t know that they didn’t get it, so I just assumed it was a go and arranged my whole life (and G’s)  around this surgery.

I was upset.

Solvitur Ambulando

This is a Latin phrase that means: All is solved by walking— meaning that when you have a problem, go for a walk.

So that’s what I did. 

The day was gorgeous. Spectacular, really. I don’t remember a nicer October than this: trees ablaze and the temps in the 70s.

So I just walked with my anger. I wondered how long it would take me to settle down. 

Turns out, about three miles. Maybe two and a half. 

I tried to remember everything I had ever learned about how to deal with anger, frustration, and annoyance. 

 I remembered Sam Harris saying: Drop back and become the space in which everything is simply appearing.

Thoughts aren’t real.

He says that thoughts aren’t real. Only actions are real. Thoughts are like images on a movie screen. The mind is the screen. It’s blank, and our thoughts are just images projected onto this screen.

The story I was telling myself about what happened wasn’t what happened. That was over. That was a phone call and it had ended hours ago.  Now I was making up stories about their incompetence and how I was entitled to an apology and how rude it was of that woman to just hang up on me when I asked her, “So what do I do now?”

I was preparing what I was going to say when I called back. I was also going to write a letter. This whole thing was becoming a big production (in my mind). 

What do you want?

I also remembered that you need to tell them what you want when you lodge a complaint.

So, for example, if they make my drink wrong at Starbucks, I want them to re-make it. 

All I could reasonably ask for at this point was for them to reschedule this surgery at the earliest possible date. 

I also wanted them to admit they messed up and apologize, but that would be extra.

What I desperately wanted was for these damn floaters to be gone so I didn’t have to look through all this garbage in my eye anymore. 

Then I remembered (around mile 3) my Feelings and Needs cards at home, and I planned to dig them out and see what precise words I needed to describe my feelings and needs.

I walked for a little over five miles and when I was home, I felt sane again. I felt calm. The movie of me and my justified anger was over. 

I dug out my cards and they really helped me find the precise language for how I was feeling and what I needed. 

Here’s what I came up with: 

I feel frustrated and disappointed because my need for competence and efficiency wasn’t met. 

And when I called to get an explanation of what had happened, I needed understanding and to be heard. 

I also needed someone to problem-solve a path forward. But instead, the person hung up on me. 

This made me feel unhappy because my need for trust in this medical organization wasn’t met.

A member of my surgeon’s team called yesterday. We are back to square one with this surgery, but it will happen. Not as soon as I would like, and probably at a time of year that will be inconvenient, but it will happen. 

I’m glad I didn’t communicate with her in the heat of the moment. I’m glad I let myself have this cooling-off period. 

I recognized I was spinning a story about what had happened, but I still believe our stories matter. It is through stories that we negotiate all interpersonal relationships. 

Stories give us a narrative structure to communicate our feelings and needs so that we have a decent chance of getting those needs met.

But we have to recognize that they are stories, and our conditioning, our trauma, and our biases inform them. 

When we take our problems for a walk, we give ourselves space to calm down and notice we’re in our “movie of me, ”and maybe see what a ridiculous movie it is and not act it out in real life, where there will be consequences,  messes, apologies, and regrets.

And when we can communicate in precise language what we feel and need, that is so incredibly helpful.

I feel happy today. I might have made a mess of things, but I had the tools (walking and my cards) to deal with my emotions skillfully.

Maybe, finally, I am learning the yoga of disappointment.