Christmas. *sigh*

It’s not that I don’t like Christmas…okay, scratch that. I don’t like Christmas. Christmas makes me feel like a hostage held at gunpoint, forced to do and say things I don’t mean.

“Got all your shopping done?

“All ready for Christmas?”

Why does everyone SAY this???

No. I am not ready for Christmas. I don’t even know what being “ready for Christmas” means.

I know what being ready for a tornado means, or a hurricane, or some foreseeable natural disaster—which is pretty much the way I feel about Christmas. It’s that natural disaster that happens every December. Christmas makes me want to board up the windows, stock up on canned goods, and wait it out in the basement.

But to be fair, there are some things I like about Christmas. 

I like the lights. 

I like the bizarre ritual of bringing a cold, sappy pine tree into the house and watching the reaction of my pets: Yesss! Finally! An indoor bathroom!

I like votive candles and cradling a hot, spicy drink with a cinnamon stick in it and blowing into it before sipping.

I like looking out at snow and having nowhere to go.

I like a fireplace and the smell of woodsmoke in the air when I walk outside.

I like baking cookies and then eating cookies.

But it seems to me I don’t need “Christmas” to do these things. I need some new holidays, personally meaningful holidays that haven’t gotten all gunked up with wrapping paper and overspending and obligations. 

So here are a few of my proposals. Please feel free to add your own ideas and write to me. We need to get this going.

No Clocks Day

People across the country abandon their watches, cover all visible clocks, and turn off anything that chimes the hour. On this day everyone is free to follow their own biorhythms: wake up when they’re finished sleeping, leave work when they’re finished working, eat when they’re hungry and not because it’s lunchtime. People can do what they feel like doing when they feel like doing it, and not because it’s “time.”

Watching Hawks Day

This is held on the first beautiful day in spring. All businesses close and people take blankets out into open fields and spend the entire day lying around, watching hawks ride the thermals. Or just watch clouds.

Scar Day

On this day, people across the country get together to talk about and show each other their scars. They bring food, sit around in little circles, and tell the stories of how they were injured and healed. Then they eat the food and cry and laugh.

Unapologetically Incompetent Day

The motto for this day is: If it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing badly. This is the day when we don’t have to apologize for not being perfect. If we take 15 minutes to parallel park and still jump the curb? So what. If we can’t balance the checkbook? So what. If our parenting skills have landed our kids in therapy? So what. If we haven’t had a date in 5 years? So what.

So what. So what. So what.

(We may need more than one day for this one.)

Dog Day

To stem the growing epidemic of “dog guilt,” everyone can stay home and play with their dog on this day. We can play “stick” and “ball” and “chase” and go on long walks—preferably off-lead.

Warm Socks Day

December 10^th. On this day, we appreciate that it’s the little things, like warm socks, that can have the biggest impact on our lives. We celebrate by wearing our craziest socks and giving a pair of warm socks to our loved ones or to anyone who may need them. Businesses all over town participate by putting out “sock bins” where people can donate socks, and anyone who needs a pair can take them.

But dang, look at the time! Unfortunately, today isn’t No Clocks Day, so I’ve gotta run. I’m not even close to being ready for Christmas.